Fatwa #4552227 April 2024United Kingdom
Separation
Question
I am writing to receive some guidance and advice regarding the sharee stance of separation between a husband and wife.
My situation is as follows,
I am 26 years old and have been married for 7 years. My husband is 30 years old.
I have 2 sons alhumdulillah age 6 and 2.
I am an aalimah and my husband is also an aalim.
Since our first son was born, our marriage has been through many ups and downs. As the years have passed the differences in our personalities and mind sets have become more apparent.
For 6 years our main fall outs and arguments have been regarding my husbands laziness and lack of attention, care and sense of responsibility towards me and our children.
It is an issue I have addressed to him many time over the years. We always used to reconcile with him promising to do better and try harder. However those promises would always be broken.
We live in a city away from friends and family, so my only source of support is him. As i was very young when we moved away and we had our first child, I expected help and support from him as he is the father and tarbiyah of our children is the responsibility of both parents. However there has always been a lack of interest and a sense of laziness when it came to fulfilling responsibility towards his family (his wife and children).
Three years ago before we had our second child, we went through a separation period as this issue became too much for me to handle. I went back to my parents house and with their help and advice we managed to reconcile. Then I fell pregnant and during that pregnancy another issue arised between us where he was in contact with another woman and had developed feelings for her. (At the time I was unaware of the extent of their relationship until much later when he revealed to me his feelings after we had moved past his indiscretion.) As I was pregnant I looked past his indiscretion for the sake of our marriage and children.
Alhumdulillah things got better between us for a while until our second child was 1 years old. I developed post natal depression and had a course of therapy to heal myself. During the therapy sessions it became apparent that my reason for depression was due to the lack of support I felt from my husband. I am overwhelmed by the responsibility of raising two children in the correct manner along side looking after the house.
Due to these differences in our personalities I was ready to ask for a divorce. However my parents consoled me and advised me to be patient and turn to allah for he is the changer of hearts and the source of guidance. Therefore I agreed to continue working at this marriage and give my husband a chance to change his ways.
However, a year later not much has changed and his behaviour towards me has declined. After having our second child I focused solely on raising our children and gave up on teaching Maktab classes to teenage girls in our locality.
My husband is of the belief that since he goes out to work and I am at home, he does hard work and I don't do much. Or that my position is easier than his. However, the responsibility of all the house hold chores including the weekly grocery shop, teaching our elder son Islamic studies, taking him to and from school alongside our younger son, etc falls on me. He believes his responsibility starts and ends at financially providing for us. Helping with the house chores and the children is regarded as a huge favour upon me and is something he only chooses to do at his convenience after I have asked for his help. We have fallen out and argued many times over this and each time he promises to do better which only lasts for a few days at most. Then he resorts back to previous habits.
Another huge concern for me also is his lack of practicing deen in his life. He only goes to the masjid for jummah and seems to have lost sight of the importance of reading salah in jamaah. At home his salah is always delayed and he doesnt have any interest in teaching our elder son Maktab studies. He has recently over the past two months become addicted to playing a video game on his tablet and spends all his time at home playing the game to the point where his salah is always delayed to the last five to ten minutes of that time. This is a huge difference between us in mindset as I am very concerned in doing the tarbiyyah of our children the correct way and also bettering ourselves in the process as we are the examples for our children. Preparing for our aakhira, worshiping allah, following the ways of his prophet (SAW) is our purpose in life.
Due to this I feel like I cannot continue to stay in marriage with this man. I feel the future of our children's deen and my deen is at risk of being harmed if we stay in this environment. Also his lack of religious practice has in turn made me lose feelings and love for him as the main reason for my attraction to him was his deen.
When we first married his goal in life was to be an imam and do khidmat and spread deen in a locality where deen was lacking. He was not established financially at that time as he had recently graduated and was teaching at Maktab. I myself was also young and not financially Independat either. However as our goals in life were aligned and I know rizq is from allah I was happy to marry him.
After we had our first child , a year into marriage, he found an imaamat position in such a type of locality (as described above)and we moved there and settled in that city.
Unfortunately his position as an imam ended after 3 and a half years, but we have remained in the same city.
Now after 6 years of being in this city away from family, after our many up and downs and after trying and waiting for changes and his behaviour and deen declining I have lost all hope at a future with him, as our personalities and vision for our future have changed and are no longer aligned.
I would also like to add that I believe our actions and conduct with others and in relationships are hugely Influenced by our upbringing from our parents. We are both from very different families with very different upbringing which has made me lose hope in another reconciliation attempt as we are products of our upbringing.
My question is due to no longer being compatible with my husband, what does sharia advice regarding separation?
Jazakallah
Awaiting your reply,
Amatullah
Answer
In the Name of Allah, the Most Gracious, the Most Merciful.
As-salāmu ‘alaykum wa-rahmatullāhi wa-barakātuh.
Sister in Islam,
We understand the frustration you are experiencing. You have been through a lot of up and downs in these seven years of marriage. You have also persevered through tough times in the process. We commend you for your mature approach to the situations as they came up. We ask Allah Ta’ala to reward you for all your efforts.
You mention that you have been for therapy and through this therapy, you realized the real reason for your depression. There is no mention of your husband attending therapy sessions. Sister, it is obvious that you want a separation. However, your husband has not attended therapy yet. Maybe there is an underlying reason for his behaviour that would surface and become known. Yes, just like how you found the real reason of your depression through therapy, it is possible that the core issue of your husband will come to the fore. It will be beneficial for your husband and the marriage that he attends therapy. Hence, we advise your husband to attend therapy sessions either with you, or alone.
Furthermore, you mention you want a separation due to reasons like the lack of support in running affairs in the house, the laziness of your husband, the lack of practicing Deen, lack of care and attention etc. Yes, these are serious issues and understandably so, you seek a separation. However, think of the repercussions of such a decision. Sister, you an ‘Alimah, you have heard of the concept of choosing lesser of the two evils. In the current situation you are in, it is a matter of separation or staying in the marriage. We understand that staying in the marriage would require a lot of perseverance and sacrifice from your side. However, separation will also have many challenges and probably be more challenging. The children will be deprived of parental love and attention. They will have to undergo the pain of separation which has many negative consequences. You should therefore apply your mind carefully and also make Istikhara.
You mention your husband is an ‘Alim. You also mention that he was Imam for only three and a half years. There is no mention with regards to what he is doing now. We advise that you inform him that you will be discussing the issue with his Asaatidha and seek their wise counsel. You should strongly consider this angle if it will be useful in resolving the issue.
Sister, turn to Allah with Du’a and Dhikr. Ask Allah to guide you in this challenging time. We also advise you to exercise caution in making a decision. We make Du’a Allah assist you and guide you to whatever is best for you.
And Allah Ta’āla Knows Best
Mahmood Suliman
Student Darul Iftaa
Gaborone, Botswana
Checked and Approved by,
Mufti Ebrahim Desai.
(2020-09-24)