Fatwa #4627514 January 2023United States of America
How will i know when im ready for marriage?
Question
Should I get married? Assalamu alaikum
I am a 21 almost 22 years old male, I had to drop out of college due to my anxiety and constant dropping of classes I have mild high functioning autism, mood dysregulation, anxiety, and adhd, and i would obsess over women so much it ruined much of my high school and college, in addition to problems with studies. Now I have enrolled in a certification program to work as a medical coder, and I have such strong sexual urges that at times I feel oppressed by my own body and circumstances, and other times give in to sin such as by looking up haram and/or masturbating. I am not as religious as I should be, for instance even though I am hanafi i sometimes eat non zabiha meat and i often oversleep for prayer or disrespect my mother but now its more mild and i immediately apologize. i also look at haram like i said, or masturbate at times, though i try to control it, and talk to females unncessarily. my mother is not very helpful, i live with her alone and she is not as religious, and suggest i get a "girlfriend" and says she would not interfere if i chose to committ zina. my father is more religious, but they are divorced, and he is often absent. i learned religion on my own, and grew up with a secrt involved in what i and probably you consider to be much bidah, namely the gulenist movement, but i am not participating anymore. my mother says i am too immature and irritable to get married, and i feel as if i can not bear the responsibility, but i need to control my sexual desires and i have a desire to start a family and often have fantasies of having children who look up to me as a father. i want to know when i will know if i am ready to get married.
Answer
In the Name of Allah, the Most Gracious, the Most Merciful.
As-salāmu ‘alaykum wa-rahmatullāhi wa-barakātuh.
Brother in Islam,
We take note of the contents of your query and sympathise with you. You are going through a difficult period in your life and Allah has given you the strength to persevere. May Allah grant you courage and ease. Aameen.
You refer to your anxiety disorder, high functioning autism etc. Brother, we advise you to consult a doctor and seek medical help. We also advise you to attend counselling. This will be of great benefit In Sha Allah.
Brother, masturbation is haram and so is looking at the opposite gender. Yes, it is natural to have an attraction and inclination to the opposite gender. Allah has created us with these natural instincts. However, they should be toned and controlled according to the dictates of Shariah. Therefore, it is compulsory to control oneself from fulfilling one’s desires in haram avenues. For this reason, Shariah has given us guidelines. See the following Hadith:
يَا مَعْشَرَ الشَّبَابِ، مَنِ اسْتَطَاعَ مِنْكُمُ الْبَاءَةَ فَلْيَتَزَوَّجْ، فَإِنَّهُ أَغَضُّ لِلْبَصَرِ، وَأَحْصَنُ لِلْفَرْجِ، وَمَنْ لَمْ يَسْتَطِعْ فَعَلَيْهِ بِالصَّوْمِ، فَإِنَّهُ لَهُ وِجَاءٌ (صحيح مسلم: 1400)
Translation:Oh, accompany of young men, those among you who can support a wife should marry, for it restrains eyes (from casting evil glances) and more safeguarding of one’s chastity; but whoever is unable (financially) should observe fast for it is a means of diminishing (sexual desires). (Muslim: 1400)
Brother, from the above Hadith, we understand that if one has the means to get married, then he should get married. If one does not have the means and is unable to, then he should fast. This is a great remedy to mitigate the desires a person has.
We are encouraged to hear that you wish to get married. However, it is important that you acquire the approval of your parents. They should be happy and satisfied with the decision you make. Yes, you may inform you mother politely that it is impermissible to have a haram relationship and you desire marriage. Inform her of your reason as well. Notwithstanding the above, if your mother feels that you need to mature and be more responsible, then heed her advice. Brother, marriage comes with a lot of responsibilities. We understand the desires you have and the need for you to get married, but consider all angles before committing to marriage.
You mention you learnt Deen on your own. This is very encouraging to hear and displays your enthusiasm for Deen. This should prompt you to now further benefit and attend programmes by reliable scholars in your area. It is also important that you link yourself to a spiritual guide. A person visits a doctor for his physical ailments, we also require a spiritual guide for our spiritual ailments and weaknesses. You may inform us of the area you are in and we will advice accordingly.
We make Dua Allah guide you and make all your affairs easy. Aameen.
And Allah Ta’āla Knows Best
Mahmood Suliman
Student Darul Iftaa
Gaborone, Botswana
Checked and Approved by,
Mufti Ebrahim Desai.
(2020-11-03)