Fatwa #2290624 October 2012India
Fatwa #22906
Question
Asalaamwalaikum Wa Rahmatullah I got married 9 months back. We were living happily. I work in other city which is 12 hours of journey to my home as well as my wife’s (my hometown and hers is same city) we stayed together in my working city for full ramadhan (In August,2012). I used to ask my wife to listen to the bayaans during ramadhan when I go for office. Once I got angry when she didn’t cover her face in the train (I felt very angry and uneasy as it was very crowded place in the train and my wife sat just at the entry seat of the train). That night I scolded her and after that is asked her not to repeat for which she agreed. Later I got angry for some incidents may be 3-4 times later she agreed I don’t do things for which you get angry. I don’t used to go much to my inlaws house. But I send her for 1 week in two months or so(when she is in hometown). I used tell her that we have to live like this and we should not do this (maybe I used to talk much about rules) for all these she never said no and she followed. We used to read muntakab ahadith daily night for 5 minute. After ramadhan she went to her mothers home. I came to my working city. We used to talk daily(I am not much talkative person, so i talk less). After 1 week I didn’t pick up the phone call as I was busy. Later day I called her but no response was there. Later I called her father, he told all phones are dead. Then next day I spoke to her on phone, then she complained for the first time that I always used to taunt her and hurt her heart. And always used to complain about her parents. For which I listened and explained her that in some instances I may be harsh let this matter be closed for which she agreed. Later she told something which irritated me so again I scolded her. That is last instance I spoke with her (today is 48th day). Next day nobody picked the phone, then my father called for which they replied negatively. Then I went to their house next day to rectify the matter. I know that they are angry because their daughter got hurt. So I though I will apologize. I told her father that in some instances I was harsh for which I am sorry. Then her father started shouting at me telling all the angry incident which occurred with my wife. Then my mother in law came and told to get out and she is terminating our relation, go and fetch some other girl. Later she told that if she want she will do miscarriage for her daughter (my wife is pregnant). She even told to bring any Qazi, I will not send my daughter. All this moment I kept mum and listened and came back. Next day I (even after such insult done to me) along with my parents went to their house to sort out the matter. But they didn’t even told my mother to sit and didn’t give water also. My mother told I will hit my son if he has done anything wrong. We will sort out the matter. For which my mother in law again repeated that she is terminating our relation. My mother asked my mother in law to call my wife and face to face lets talk, for which she denied and said what ever I said my daughter agrees. My mother told that relation terminations are done by Alla h not by humans. My father spoke to her father but not of any use. I never told any bad word to her nor any time I hit her (hitting thought has never come and will never come to my mind). I was harsh in some instances. I told her to be in hijab and recite more. But all these are with good intensions only. I wanted to tell her that I am apologetic for all these (if she feels that i have done injustice), and want to be a good husband and lead a good life. But I didn’t get any chance to talk to her. Her mother is controlling everything; she doesn’t listen to her husband I suppose. I don’t even know what she (my wife) is feeling. Whether she likes me or not also I don’t know. Please suggest me what to do further (as already 1 month is passed). I want Allah’s forgiveness and help to restore my married life. Please do dua that my wife understands me and comes back to me. Still I don’t blame my in laws, I want to maintain good relation with them also. Please advice me what to supplicate also. Asalaamwalaikum Wa Rahmatullah
Answer
In the Name of Allah, the Most Gracious, the Most Merciful.
As-salāmu ‘alaykum wa-rahmatullāhi wa-barakātuh.
Marriage is a great boon and bounty from Allah Ta’ala. Through the institution of marriage, both spouses derive peace and solace from one another.
In order to keep a marriage successful, one must endeavor to bring within oneself the unmatched character and conduct of Rasulullah Sallallahu Alaihi Wa Sallam. Patience, forgiveness, forbearance, and kindness must be practically implemented in one’s married life. Nabi Sallallahu Alaihi Wa Sallam said:
ارْفُقِي فَإِنَّ الرِّفْقَ لَمْ يَكُنْ فِي شَيْءٍ قَطُّ إِلَّا زَانَهُ، وَلَا نُزِعَ مِنْ شَيْءٍ قَطُّ إِلَّا شَانَهُ (سنن ابي داود، ج 3، ص 260، دار اليسر)
Be polite as politeness only makes things beautiful. And the absence of politeness from anything increases it in unpleasantness. (Sunan Abi Dawud, Vol. 3, Pg. 260)
You have stated that you became angry with your wife and scolded her because she did not cover her face in the train. Indeed it is required for you as a husband to have Ghairah (sense of honor) regarding the chastity of your wife and it is also necessary for you to have concern for the betterment of her Din.
However, the attitude of addressing these issues must be correct. Dictating laws with harshness is not the solution. In fact, at times it may have a reverse effect. Rather than drawing the wife closer to the husband’s obedience, a sense of stubbornness and desire to revolt may be created within the wife’s heart.
The method of advising your wife should always be a beautiful approach consisting of Targheeb, love, and encouragement rather than orders and commands. You must listen to her and show her that you are prepared to take the extra step to do what she wants as well. Your life should not be one that is self-centered only demanding what you want. Ask her what pleases her and endeavor to fulfill her wishes to the best of your ability. This will create within her your love and the desire to do what pleases you.
You have stated that you have been separated from your wife since a long time. And you have tried to approach her and her family yourself as well as with your parents to resolve the issue.
Remember that your in-laws want to see that you are committed to bring about a change in your behavior with their daughter. They do not want to send her and see the same results.
Consider seeking the assistance of a scholar or well respected personality from your community (as you both are from the same community) to approach your in-laws. Have him mediate the matter between the two of you. Let him explain to your in-laws that a divorce or separation will be negative and detrimental to both of your lives especially because your wife is expecting a child.
Assure your in-laws through solid evidence that you are determined to change your attitude. Request them to give you one more chance for a stipulated duration in which you will prove to your wife and in-laws the true nature of your determination.
Also, in the meantime, turn to Allah Ta’ala and makes lots of Duas. Especially after the daily obligatory Salaats and at the time of Tahajjud as Duas are accepted in these two times. Furthermore, do a lot of Istighfaar. Through the recitation of Istighfaar, Allah Ta’ala eases conditions and solves problems.
When Allah Ta’ala returns back to you your wife, then be determined to treat her in the best of manners. Keep in mind that she has left the company of her dear parents and family only for you.
You have stated that you talk less. Indeed this is a great quality at times. However, in dealing with your wife, it is necessary that you are able to express yourself. Lack of communication also causes lots of problems. Daily, involve yourself in light hearted conversations with her and have conviction that this is a high form of Ibaadah (worship). This will cause her to feel comfortable in your company and it will strengthen your mutual bond. Also, very important is that you express your love to her through words as well. Address her in a beautiful manner. And show her your appreciation when she does something that pleases you. Do not be eager to criticize her mistakes.
Time to time give her gifts as well if your financial situation permits. The exchanging of gifts increases love and affection between spouses. And do not forget the saying of Nabi Sallallahu Alaihi Wa Sallam:
خَيْرُكُمْ خَيْرُكُمْ لِأَهْلِهِ وَأَنَا خَيْرُكُمْ لِأَهْلِي (سنن الترمذي، ج6، ص 401، الرسالة العالمية)
“The best among you is the best to his wife, and I am the best to my wives.” (Sunan al-Tirmidhi, Vol. 6, Pg. 401)
We make Dua that Allah Ta’ala make easy your difficulties and grant you success in both the worlds. Ameen.
And Allah Ta’āla Knows Best
Abdul Azīm bin Abdur Rahman,
Student Darul Iftaa
U.S.A.
Checked and Concurred by,
Moulana Ismail Desai.