Fatwa #1408822 March 2006Germany
pious children struggling with parents
Question
I have a problem sometimes with my parents. I don't want to be unrespectful, I really respect them and love them. Since some time my brother and me have been very religious (I don't know if I can say that because only Allah SWT can judge me) and we really try to live as our beloved Prophet SAW lived. But sometimes they just say, that we are exaggerating so much and we always bring sorrow to them. They pray 5 times etc. and are really very good parents. I will give you some examples: When I started wearing Hijaab, my father wanted to persuade me that it is not good for my future and my career and I'm too young for it. (I am 16) But when my father talks to his brothers, he always shows a little bit off that I wear it now. That's why I don't understand...does he like it or doesn't he? My brother (17) wanted to have a beard, but my parents don't want him to. At first he was really angry and all, but he has to respect the situation and of course has to listen to our parents! That was okay, wasn't it, although beard is waajib? And when my father talks with his family / friends, he also shows off a little bit, that his son goes to Jamaat and all. Also my brother and me started helping our mosque-teachers and are now teaching at the mosque. At first my parents were really happy and proud, my mom still is, she's really appreciating that stuff we do, but sometimes my dad tells my brother that he is waisting his time. And then he also tells his brothers and shows off a little bit! My mom wears Hijaab to, but the pakistani style (dupatta). When I sometimes suggest to wear it in a different way, she yells at me, why I'm involving in her stuff and she doesn't want to look like that because she feels uncomfortable. I can understand that. But other times she wears it like normal Hijaab. I don't understand. My mother told me some days ago that my father told her that it is all her (mothers) fault that we kids are now like this because she took us to the mosque all the years and we have been influenced AND THAT OUR CAREER / FUTURE IS RUINED. That hurted me so much. I do not really understand...please can you help me? I don't want to be unrespectful to them
Answer
Jazakallah khair for writing to the institute regarding the difference of opinion in your home. Alhamdulillah, it is so pleasing to note that although your parents have not fully managed to set the 'trend' of Islam in your home, you teenagers have seen the light and are actively and bravely practicing Islam.
I do hope that you realize that both of you are making silent attempts to help your parents to join you two. Although you are confused by your father's mixed messages, rest assured that deep down he is pleased with you. The negative attitude he sometimes displays could be due to the fact that he is having to wrestle with his nafs. Your mother may also be struggling to give up on habits she has held on to for much of her lifetime.
Adults are not always able to respond to changes introduced by their offspring in a way you would expect them to.
You brother and you are fortunate that you have encountered people who have helped you to see the "light" so to speak. You have to try and understand your parents' upbringing and also their background. If you speak to them, you may just discover why they are resistant to change. Are they first generation Germans? It could be that they feel threatened by recent events which have overtaken Muslims all over the world. They could have the fear that your open display of your faith could backfire on you in terms of opportunities and social opposition. Insha'allah, the two of you are firmly rooted in your believe that Allah Ta'ala is your Protector and that no harm will come to you without His will.
Sister, treat your parents with love, understanding and tolerance. Try to introduce them to the various 'aqaeeda' with gentle love and with the niyah that Allah Ta'ala will make it easy for them to acquire knowledge of deen and to practice on it. Guidance comes Allah Ta'ala and you are but an instrument who has to help them to find the truth. There are times when they may respond in a negative way. Try to understand that they may be struggling against shaitaan who wants to keep them in darkness. Make lots of dua for your parents and start taleem in the home in an unobtrusive manner.
Your brother and you could perhaps discuss various aspects when your parents are around so that they can hear you. Let the knowledge reach them in that way. At no stage should you show impatience or dislike for their views. Do try to never put them in a situation where they may reject what has been laid down for them as Muslims. Invite them to join you to important functions where deen is discussed. Increase salaam amongst you, ask them to join you to perform salaah, read the Quran in the language you share with your parents, make zikr and turn on the recitation of the Quran on CD etc so that they are increasingly exposed to the most valuable gift Allah Ta'ala has granted to them.
It appears that your mother is more amenable so use her to invite your father sometimes. Praise her when she covers her hair properly, remain silent when she does not. Tell your brother to hug and praise her too.
You do not have to obey your father if he tells you to remove your head-covering. This is Allah Ta'ala's law and you have to obey your Creator first. Your brother should also consider pleasing Allah Ta'ala in the matter of his beard. Do remember that as long your life is dedicated to pleasing and obeying Allah Ta'ala, your life cannot be ruined. Yes, some may face difficulties and hardships in life but that is only be because Allah Ta'ala desires to test those whom He loves most. Ask Allah Ta'ala to protect you from 'Aafat'
and ask for 'Aafiyat' in your duas (supplications). Nobody knows when and how ruin will hit a person. Oh, please, do forgive your parents no matter what they may say against your present chosen way of life. May Allah Ta'ala keep your whole family firmly on the "Seeratul Mustaqueem" and may He use you two to help your parents to come closer to Him. Ameen.
and Allah Ta'ala Knows Best
Sister Fadila
SOCIAL DEPT.
CHECKED & APPROVED: Mufti Ebrahim Desai (FATWA DEPT)