Fatwa #1405316 March 2006Pakistan
regards to how I need to behave in front of my father
Question
My question is in regards to how I need to behave in front of my father, a little background is when I was very young, I can't even remember exactly how old I was but I remember my father touching me in ways that no father should. I don't remember a lot but I remember enough that it still haunts me. It didn't involve any deep sexual encounters but still an inapropriate behaviour between father and daughter. Not sure if its for this reason or what but I don't feel the respect or love for my father. At times I feel like he's a total stranger to me and that I don't love him or even like him? I still don't ever misbehave to my best ability. My question is does he still have a full right more than my mother over me?
Answer
Jazakallah khair for trusting us with this information and for writing to us. I can understand that this is still a painful issue for you. No girl or woman deserves to be violated in this way by the one person who is supposed to protect her from the outside world. It is regrettable that many fathers are still behaving in this way. There are two aspects to your query.
Sister, you are special and loved by Allah Ta'ala. What happened to you is not your fault. Your father will be held accountable for his deeds by Allah Ta'ala as he failed to fulfill your rights over him. You were an innocent, helpless child and your right over him was that he had to protect you from harm. I urge you to please go for therapy / counseling as soon as possible.
I take it that you are still young and unmarried. Although you say that you cannot recall exactly what happened, these incidents are lurking deep in your sub-conscious memory and this is causing you to experience anger, self doubt, guilt, resentment and pain. You are most likely aware of some other emotions related to this issue. It is very important for you to work through this pain as soon as possible so that you can start living a life free of this baggage.You deserve to live a fulfilling life and to be able to love and forgive yourself. With time and help, you will learn to forgive him and accept him as a father too.
Alhamdulillah, you dont 'misbehave' towards him. Although your father usurped your rights over him, Allah Ta'ala has commanded us to act with kindness and respect towards our parents. Go on being kind to your father and try to serve him purely to earn Allah Ta'ala's pleasure. You will not have to account for your father's deeds against you but you will earn Jannah by observing your father's rights over you. It does not matter that you love your mother more than you love your father. Many people have more love for one parent over the other. A mother has a higher status than a father as she undergoes more hardships than the father. She experiences pregnancy, labor etc which the father does not. However, it is important that one treats one's parents equally well. Do make lots of dua for your father and as you learn to throw off this pain via counseling, insha'allah you will learn to forgive your father. May Allah Ta'ala guide you, ease your difficulties and grant you the ability to reconcile with your father, ameen.
and Allah Ta'ala Knows Best
Sister Fadila
SOCIAL DEPT.
CHECKED & APPROVED: Mufti Ebrahim Desai (FATWA DEPT)