My parents fight a lot. i feel depressed. What do i do?

In the Name of Allah, the Most Gracious, the Most Merciful.

As-salāmu ‘alaykum wa-rahmatullāhi wa-barakātuh.

It distresses us to hear of your situation. We make Dua Almighty Allah creates strong bonds of love between your parents. Aameen.

All children intrinsically possess love for their parents. They revere them, place them upon a lofty pedestal and look up to them for guidance. Children are extremely sensitive to the feelings of their parents. The parents in turn shape the life and future of their children. Science supports the idea that warmth and affection expressed by parents to their children results in life-long positive outcomes for those children. Higher self-esteem, improved academic performance, better parent-child communication, and fewer psychological and behaviour problems have been linked to this type of affection.

From the age of about two, and possibly from an even younger age, research tells us that children are astute observers of their parents’ behaviour. They often notice arguments, even when parents think their children don’t, or believe they have protected them by arguing in “private”.

The negative consequences of living with severe or chronic inter-parental conflict may manifest in the form sleep disturbance, anxiety, depression, conduct disorder and other serious problems as a result.[1]

It is important to remember that their argumentation is not your fault. The best thing to do is to stay out of their argument and go somewhere else in the house to get away from the fighting or arguing. Go to your room, close the door, find something else to do until it is over. It is not your job to be a referee.

When parents argue, there can be yelling, screaming, name calling, and many unkind things may be uttered. Even though the parents may do this, it is never okay to treat people in your family with disrespect by using unkind words or yelling and screaming at them.

Almighty Allah says in the Holy Quran, Surah Luqman, Verse 14,

وَوَصَّيْنَا الْإِنْسَانَ بِوَالِدَيْهِ

Translation: “We have given mankind (emphatic) instructions concerning his/her parents (to treat them kindly and to make every effort to please them).”

Surah Israa, Verse 23-24,

وَقَضَى رَبُّكَ أَلَّا تَعْبُدُوا إِلَّا إِيَّاهُ وَبِالْوَالِدَيْنِ إِحْسَانًا إِمَّا يَبْلُغَنَّ عِنْدَكَ الْكِبَرَ أَحَدُهُمَا أَوْ كِلَاهُمَا فَلَا تَقُلْ لَهُمَا أُفٍّ وَلَا تَنْهَرْهُمَا وَقُلْ لَهُمَا قَوْلًا كَرِيمًا. وَاخْفِضْ لَهُمَا جَنَاحَ الذُّلِّ مِنَ الرَّحْمَةِ وَقُلْ رَبِّ ارْحَمْهُمَا كَمَا رَبَّيَانِي صَغِيرًا

Translation: “Your Rabb has commanded that you worship only Him and that you treat your parents kindly. If any one of the two or both of them reaches old age with you, then do not even tell them Oof! and do not rebuke them. Speak gently with them.”

وَاخْفِضْ لَهُمَا جَنَاحَ الذُّلِّ مِنَ الرَّحْمَةِ وَقُلْ رَبِّ ارْحَمْهُمَا كَمَا رَبَّيَانِي صَغِيرًا

Translation: “Lower for them the wings of humility out of compassion and say, “O my Rabb! Show mercy to them as they had (been merciful towards me when they) raised me when I was young.”

Sometimes the parents’ fighting may go too far, and include pushing and shoving, throwing things, or hitting. When parents’ fights get physical in these ways, the parents need to learn to get their anger under control. They might need the help of another adult to do this. You can let someone know what is going on. It is important to talk to other relatives, a teacher, a school counselor, or any adult you trust.

Family counselors and therapists know how to help families work on problems, including fighting. They can help by teaching family members to listen to each other and talk about feelings without yelling and screaming. Though it may take some work, time, and practice, people in families can always learn to get along better.[2]

Parents fight for different reasons. Maybe they had a bad day at work, or they are not feeling well, or they are really tired. Just like children, when parents are not feeling their best, they can get upset and might be more likely to argue. Most of the time, arguments are over quickly, parents apologize and make up, and everyone feels better again.

No family is perfect. Even in the happiest home, problems pop up and people argue from time to time. Usually, the family members involved get what is bothering them out in the open and talk about it. Everyone feels better, and life can get back to normal.

Being part of a family means everyone pitches in and tries to make life better for each other. Arguments happen, but with love, understanding, and some work, families can solve almost any problem.

If you are old enough, try to encourage your parents to bring more Deen into their lives. Start the recitation of the Holy Quran in the house and begin daily ta’leem. Insha-Allah, this will bring the mercy of Almighty Allah into the house. Whenever an argument arises, recite أعوذ بالله من الشيطان الرجيم loudly to further encourage your parents to control their anger.

Most importantly, turn to Almighty Allah with your Dua’s. Ask Him to forgive your parents for their wrongdoings and ask for His guidance. Ask Him to create love within your parents. If you have any siblings, make Dua together.

In addition, make a practice of reciting the following Dua in abundance,

رَبِّ ارْحَمْهُمَا كَمَا رَبَّيَانِي صَغِيرًا

Translation: “My Lord, have mercy on them, as they raised me when I was a child.” (Quran 17:24)

The attached marriage recipe of Mufti Ebrahim Desai Sahib will be useful. Frame it and place it within sight of family members.

1.     Fear Allah:

It was the noble practice of Rasulullah (Sallallahu Alayhi Wasallam) to conscientize the spouses about the fear of Almighty Allah before performing a Nikah by reciting the verses (Surah Nisaa, Verse 14, Ahzaab, Verse 69, Aal-Imraan, Verse 101) from the Holy Quran. All the verses are common in the message of Taqwa (fear of Allah). The spouses will be first committed to Almighty Allah before being committed to their partner. There can be no doubt in the success of a marriage governed by the fear of Allah.

2.     Never be angry at the same time:

Anger is the root cause for all marital disputes. One Sahabi came to Rasulullah (Sallallahu Alayhi Wasallam) and sought some advice. Rasulullah (Sallallahu Alayhi Wasallam) replied, control your anger. The same advice was rendered thrice. (Mishkaat pg 433, HM Saeed)

3.     If one has to win an argument, let it be the other:

Rasulullah (Sallallahu Alayhi Wasallam) said: “Whoever discards an argument despite being correct shall earn a palace in the center of Jannah. (Ibid pg 412)

4.     Never shout at each other unless the house is on fire:

Luqman (Alayhis Salaam) while offering advice to his son said: “and lower your voice for verily the most disliked voice is that of a donkey”. (Surah Luqman, Verse 19)

5.     If you have to criticize, do it lovingly:

Rasulullah (Sallallahu Alayhi Wasallam) said, ‘A Mu’ min is a mirror for a Mu’min.’ (Abu Dawud vol 2 pg 325, Imdaadiyah) Advise with dignity and silently.

6.     Never bring up mistakes of the past:

Rasulullah (Sallallahu Alayhi Wasallam) said: “Whoever conceals the faults of others, Allah shall conceal his faults on the day of Qiyaamah.” (Mishkaat pg 429, HM Saeed)

7.     Neglect the whole world rather than your marriage partner:

Rasulullah (Sallallahu Alayhi Wasallam) confirmed the advice of Salman to Abu Darda (Radhiyallahu Anhum) for neglecting his wife. “Verily there is a right of your wife over you.” (Nasai Hadith 2391)

8.     Never sleep with an argument unsettled:

Abu Bakr (Radhiyallahu Anhu) resolved his dispute with his wife over-feeding the guests before going to bed. (Bukhari Hadith 602)

9.     At least, once every day, express your gratitude to your partner:

Rasulullah (Sallallahu Alayhi Wasallam) said, ‘Whoever does not show gratitude to the people has not shown gratitude to Allah.’ (Abu Dawud pg 662, Karachi)

10. When you have done something wrong, be ready to admit it and ask for forgiveness:

Rasulullah (Sallallahu Alayhi Wasallam) said, ‘All the sons of Adam commit error, and the best of those who err are those who seek forgiveness.’ (Tirmidhi Hadith 2499)

Vulgarity is never a solution. Verbally abusing one’s spouse is a sin. Consider the following,

Allah Ta`ala says in the Holy Qur`an,

مَا يَلْفِظُ مِنْ قَوْلٍ إِلَّا لَدَيْهِ رَقِيبٌ عَتِيدٌ

Translation: “Whatever he utters, except that there is an angel there to record it.” (Surah Qaaf, Verse 18)

وَعَاشِرُوهُنَّ بِالْمَعْرُوفِ

Translation: “Live with them (your wives) with kindness” (Surah Nisaa, Verse 19)

Rasulullah (Sallallahu Alayhi Wasallam) said,

لَيْسَ الْمُؤْمِنُ بِالطَّعَّانِ وَلاَ اللَّعَّانِ وَلاَ الفَاحِشِ وَلاَ البَذِيءِ

Translation: “A believer is not one who taunts, curses neither does he speak obscene nor uses foul language” (Sunan at Tirmidhi 3/418).

إِنَّ العَبْدَ لَيَتَكَلَّمُ بِالكَلِمَةِ، مَا يَتَبَيَّنُ فِيهَا، يَزِلُّ بِهَا فِي النَّارِ أَبْعَدَ مِمَّا بَيْنَ المَشْرِقِ

Translation: “A slave of Allah may utter a word without thinking whether it is right or wrong, he may slip down in the Fire as far away a distance equal to that between the east.” (Saheeh Bukhari, 8/101)

خِيَارُكُمْ خِيَارُكُمْ لِنِسَائِهِمْ

Translation: “The best amongst you are those who are best to their wives.” (Sunan Ibn Majah 3/148).

فَاتَّقُوا اللهَ فِي النِّسَاءِ، فَإِنَّكُمْ أَخَذْتُمُوهُنَّ بِأَمَانِ اللهِ، وَاسْتَحْلَلْتُمْ فُرُوجَهُنَّ بِكَلِمَةِ اللهِ

Translation: “Fear Allah with regards to women! Verily you have taken them on the security of Allah, and intercourse with them has been made lawful unto you by the word of Allah”. (Saheeh Muslim 2/889)

We understand that sometimes our emotions get the better of us. However, it is imperative to keep in mind the welfare of our children. The choices we make undeniably impact our children. It is our duty to be role-models to our children. It is inappropriate to vent out our anger on our spouses knowing that our children are watching us. What will happen when our children grow up? Will they not follow in our footsteps? 

We advise to seek marriage counselling and therapy. Therapy has proven to help improve communication between spouses and the marriage as a whole.

We make Dua Almighty Allah guide your parents and grant barakah in their marriage. Aameen.

And Allah Ta’āla Knows Best

Bilal Yusuf Pandor

Student Darul Iftaa

Lusaka, Zambia

Checked and Approved by,
Mufti Ebrahim Desai.

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[1] https://www.bbc.com/news/education-43486641

 https://www.telegraph.co.uk/family/parenting/what-all-parents-need-to-know-about-arguing-in-front-of-their-ch/

 https://www.huffpost.com/entry/the-way-parents-fight-aff_b_7176576

[2] https://kidshealth.org/en/kids/parents-fight.html